Upriver

Upriver

Upstream

I do not like walking around my neighborhood

It reminds me of how far I have not come

I never imagined my life to be this way

I lived the life of academic success,

Hard work

Be kind to everyone

 

Where am I?

Not where I was told I would be

 

Or maybe it is the way I’m looking at things

Maybe I’m not looking at what is really there

Maybe I’m seeing what I want to see

 

I do not know

 

That should be the title of all my poems

 

I do not know

 

That in itself is a place of panicked unfamiliarity

When I was young I knew all

I learned all

Everything was scientific fact

Not a speck of mystery in any of it

Though there was great wonder and order and beauty

No, not one speck of mystery

 

Then the oceans rose

The rivers came rushing in

Sweeping all of that away

 

I look back upon that memorable day

And wonder if I should celebrate

Or curse it

There seems to be nothing that can ever reverse it

The waters are always now shifting within me

Like the winds

 

So here I am

 

Another member of lonely land, the wilderness of millions,

Wondering why I’m here

What have I done

To be so fortunate, yet to be the one

That seems to never hit the finish line of destiny

 

Maybe there isn’t one

Maybe it’s in the running

The walking, the crawling,

Doing whatever it takes to continue moving forward

Never still

 

Never still

 

For in the moving waters, still is always moving backwards

Or forward if one simply yields

To the rhythms of the undercurrents

That flow within our very souls

 

I do wonder what is the definition of whole

I wonder more what it is like to experience it

 

I wonder if I’ll ever know

 

I think I will, if I’ll only keep moving

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Another beautiful piece that resonates strongly. I also remember that science was going to solve all problems, and when I was 16, I imagined myself in a white coat at the control panel of a nuclear reactor or launching rockets. And I wonder, where do you find wholeness, is there a path to follow?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Steve, you ask the question of the ages. I think there is a path to wholeness, otherwise we wouldn’t all be searching for it. But it is a path, one that must be walked, and sometimes one that must be forged. I don’t think I can make a claim of finding wholeness, but I do think I am on a pathway there, and it involves words that we science-minded people don’t like: forgiveness, grace, truth, love, etc. This is what I meant with the word “mystery.” What I do know is that when we have our heart set on finding wholeness, it has a way of finding us. It’s a beautiful dance in a way. And since you asked, I want to tell you that I have found that path in following Jesus Christ. I know that shocks and offends a lot of people, but I believe that we can follow him without all the religious hoopla that has unfortunately gone along with it. It’s been one amazing road trip, but it’s one that has helped me to discover the one thing that makes us all whole: love. So, I hope I don’t come across as proselytizing or pandering. I just wanted to give a straightforward (though lengthy) answer to your question.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Duane, I truly appreciate your heartfelt thoughts: this is sincerity, not evangelism. Although I am not a Christian and I am a committed Buddhist in many ways, I agree with your thoughts. Can this make sense? I don’t know. With science (as the study of all nature), I now look at a “middle way”: I see denying one’s heart and claiming complete logic as a difficulty, both because our heart will still lead us and we may not recognize it, and because true humanity is fundamentally not logical. On the other side, following one’s heart may lead us to believe our hopes about the natural world are objective truths. This is some of my thinking, and thank you again. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. And thank you for seeing my heart in all of this. That’s the tough part about digital conversations, not seeing the eyes, the face, the body language. I’m always concerned about coming across wrong, but I am glad you saw my sincerity. Have a great weekend 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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